Usually these serious, feelings, sad posts are made private, but I feel like this needs to be kept public. As it is an apology to a very nice and accepting community, who had every right to be angry with me. I recently revisited said site and it is completely abandoned and taken over by spam-bots. It is sad to see. Even though said site is dead, I shall still be posting this post to it regardless.
I don’t remember which video, but I briefly mentioned pissing off a whole Goth community/website when I was younger, in one of my videos.
I have been thinking about the site a lot. What got me to get back on was the newest chapter to my story. After posting it here, I remembered I had made a new account and was solely using it to post my story and get unbiased feedback. So I went on today, posted a few more chapters, and did some searching around. I guess I am glutton for punishment as I searched my old username. I found many of my old posts and they make me cringe and wonder what I was doing back then. I was such a little monster and just looking back and reliving it again does not feel good. It was worse than I remember. I had left an apology once on there maybe 2 years ago, and I made the mistake of making the joke that “everyone’s least favorite dhampir is back”, which really fucked with my apology and I only made the joke to lighten the mood. But that was also inappropriate. I really need to atone for my horrendous and stupid behavior and make an actual apology.
This wasn’t so long ago, I was 13-14 and still in a bad mental place at that time. I don’t remember how I found the site, but I remember being quite excited to find it. I immediately posted random poems I had written. They weren’t that good… at all, but I was unsure what else to post first and decided my poetry was decent (at the time) and had a go at it. Plus, writing and delving into my fantasy worlds was all I seemed to do back then. I also took pride in my writings, even if I knew they sucked badly. Which is what started me off on the wrong foot.
Someone had made a harmless joke regarding one of the poems I posted. As I stated, I was not in a very good mental state at the time and took the joke way more serious than it ever could be. I ended up threatening the member. I apologized to her later, but damage had already been done.
I was also quite deep into a story I had been writing at the time and had taken on the character as my reality, but only online. I was much different offline, I only ever believed I was this character online. I don’t know what made me think it was ever a good idea to begin with, but I did indeed pretend to be this character, which had slowly become my reality online. I genuinely believed I was this character once online. Which may sound harmless, seeing as many people play something they’re not online to gain friends. But it was far from harmless. I posted so much, most of it terrible and nasty, a very small percent (if any) of it was actually normal and harmless shit.
I had taken on the role of my dhampir character. I wholeheartedly believed I was her. I harassed other members and tended to attack those who disagreed with me or called me out on my bullshit. I called others names and just acted like a total monster child. I was a stubborn, bullheaded, asswipe. I can’t even put into words properly how awful I was.
I also cannot put into words how sorry I am to the members of this community. Very few of them actually tried to put up with my shit and talk to me. The ones who didn’t, called me out. I don’t believe any of them attacked me back unless I provoked them. I can’t think of an instance where they started it first, at all. I could be wrong, but I believe they only snapped back when I started it first.
You guys can look back and see for yourselves.
I am so ashamed of myself and so sorry for what I did. I am so very sure that my actions and behavior started the downfall and abandoning of the site. And that makes me so sad, and very angry at myself. I managed to fuck up a perfectly good thing with my asswipe, obnoxious, delusional world.
I can’t go back and change things and the site is probably dead for good now. But I want those members to know that I am sorry. I know I’ll never be able to completely atone for my mistakes and behavior. I have ruined their sanctuary and I take full responsibility for that.
I am sorry for threatening you. It was a joke and I shouldn’t have taken it as badly as I did. That is unacceptable and I knew that even then, but I still did it regardless.
I am so very sorry for living in the world I had created for myself on your site. I should have taken that to another site more appropriate, such as a roleplay site. There are no excuses for my behavior.
I am sorry for being so mean and hateful towards everyone and anyone who showed me any kind of kindness. And those who did not and called me out. I was in the wrong, so so deep in the wrong.
And mostly, I am sorry for destroying your site. I ruined something great. I’m sure if I had found it now instead of when I had, it would have been great and none of you would have had to go through that shit. I’m positive the site would be thriving.
I just want you all to know that I am deeply sorry for what I did and how I acted. I know nothing I can do will make it better, but I just hope that you will accept my apology. I don’t expect forgiveness, as I don’t deserve it, I just want to make amends. I hope this reaches all of you and I hope one day the site will thrive again.. and maybe I might be a part of it.
Thank you to those who have read this.
As for the site and my username. The Goth Blog. ivamp.